Probably the single quote that has stood out the most to me in the last couple of months has been, "feelings don't lie." Now, I know they don't tell the entire truth either and that one shouldn't follow one's feelings entirely, but there is still some truth to it. I don't excactly know how this relates to my relationship with God... -or maybe I do, and I'm just afraid to say it. "I don't feel God." There. I said it. I don't feel Him. I feel the effect that the moral standard of the Bible etc. has on me, a good one, but I don't feel Him. I dare you to ask me about what I do feel then!
I feel longing. In class today we read a poem by one of Denmark's greatest poets, Johannes V. Jensen, called "Paa [eng.: At] Memphis Station" He was an atheist and this only frustrated him. In this poem he expresses his fear of settling down, settling for some incomplete romance. Sure, the sweet girl he'd met in town the day before had turned his stomach, but she wasn't everything. His life amounted to a continual search for the Adventure, The Romance.. The Truth.
Again I pause here and think back at the book I've (almost.. okay, partly) read, The Sacred Romance. I've posted on here about it before and it blew me away at the time; the way it described life as one continuing tale of honour, valour and romance, but I haven't felt it. I'm still searching... -searching for contention, fulfilment and a lady to rescue and mean the world to.
Practically, I'm afraid this longing and this search has distracted me greatly from my schoolwork, and I've started smoking a bit, drinking a bit etc.. -although my ethical upbringing is still strong enough within me to have kept me away from girls at this stage.
I do truly feel like I've lost my childish, childhood faith entirely and now I have to find faith again entirely.
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